The harm is already happening to us ( myself and my daughters) enduring his drunk talk Im tired and exhausted from trying to smooth everything over. My husband does a lot but he also drinks a lot and I just cant get past the feeling that this approach is allowing him to not take responsibility for his actions or that I have to be the one to do all the work, AS USUAL when it comes to our relationship. I think you would love it. If you cant have a honest conversation with your spouse, youre not in a healthy relationship. I tried turning a blind eye and getting on with running the family (5 children) but it just gave him justification everything was all great and he kept drinking the same amount or even more. Her partner, 29-year-old *Kyle embarrasses her in front of her friends, family and colleagues every time he has one or two drinks. Without forcing him into rehab or secretly dosing him with that medication that makes you sick if you ingest any alcohol. I ask myself what would Laura Doyle do? This sounds like advice from the 1950s. I feel every emotion in every word you wrote. I am still mortified and embarrassed about my behaviour. Embarrassing your husband or wife in public is a social and relationship no-no. Encourage your spouse to join an in-patient rehab, join alcoholics anonymous or find an additional therapist. And worried about myself . Thats exactly itits lonely. The alcoholic starts out with stuff, things, people, family, job, network, a whole world. This is exactly what I got out of this! When I tried to tell my husband how to be more romantic, more ambitious, and tidier, he avoided me. I got lost in my husbands alcoholism sucked in night after night and day after day. Oh my word. Time to retire, Laura. He rarely gets very drunk but does get to the point where he talks nonsense and becomes annoying. My plate of food slid to one side while I was holding it, and landed on my white pants. You sound so sad and stressed. That said, the drinking hasnt gotten less this week, maybe actually a little bit more because Im not nagging. He hit rock bottom a decade ago and has been sober ever since. You dont have to think of it as giving up on your alcoholic husband or even leaving your marriage. I wouldnt suggest celebrating it, but you might just treat it like any other part of his life where hes away. Hes not abusive or even mean at all. Our children are not biologically mine, they are my step children but I have been in their lives for eight years now and we are close. But even if your husband does do some embarrassing things while drunk, there is a possibility you are hyper-aware of it, leading you to feel worse than you should. I couldnt agree more! Join the waitlist for The Ridiculously Happy Wife coaching program here: https://lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/. Even if you give up on your alcoholic husband, you cant give up on your children and family. Yes! 20 answers /. It was really awesome to see how excited he was to share it with me. I dont want them ever to be in an abusive relationship like me. Growing up with a violent alcoholic father sounds very challenging! I really like your ideas about how to help an alcoholic husband. Youre welcome to take what works for you and leave the rest. Ask the Expert: "My husband and I are very strong-headed" 03:55 "I can't stand my MIL's evil ways to ruin our marriage" 05:44 Listen To Your Intuition For All the Answers 20:01 You, of course, can set boundaries as long they are about you. Remember, no matter how the embarrassment is caused, there is always a good and proper way to handle the situation. Bbg, I remember how lonely that was for me. If youre expecting negative consequences because he drinks too much, youre expecting the worst. I dont over drink the way he does but I do drink and I need to cut it back myself If I expect him to. My goodness Ive been seeking an answer to this question and bam youve just reaffirmed it for me. So how are you supposed to act the next day after hes been a gigantic asshole the night before and said horrible things about you, including, I cant wait until I no longer have to deal with you!? And to be clear: Your nagging doesnt make him drink more. Why do I have to accept his drinking? Its more difficult for the wife of an alcoholic to see the lies shes telling herself. Heres a free Roadmap of 6 simple steps that have helped thousands of women fix their relationships: lauradoyle.org/rm1o. But he would verbally attack me, point out that I had almost drank a whole bottle of wine. My husband is great until he drinks, which is about 4-5 nights a week then he gets mean and says hateful stuff and calls me a whore and all kinds of things. He never acts drunk around me, but I know how much he consumes from how quickly the bottles disappear. Being honest and open about your marriage problems is painful, embarrassing, and even shameful for many women. Although I earn less, I pay a higher percentage of my paycheck on bills. I repress my unhappiness, I accept whatever to keep it going, I love him a lot, he is the love of my life but this drinking problem is ruining our marriage. Last post: 17/09/2011 at 4:04 am. He chooses the alcohol 99 out of 100 times. I'm dozing when I hear a car engine fire up, followed by a terrible crunch and a tinkling of glass - then deathly silence. I AM AN ENABLER AND NAGGER AND IT IS MAKING THINGS WORSE. Most nights he drinks to the point of stumbling, and not . Don't enable your alcoholic spouse or try to prevent consequences. If your husband is the one who really needs to change, this is a great option for you because he doesnt even have to show up but he will be responding to you much better. The Successful Relationship Coach Podcast, Let Him Solve Your Problem Instead of Trying to Solve His, they tend to live up to your expectations, https://lauradoyle.org/marriage-relationship-coaching/, http://lauradoyle.org/blog/how-to-talk-about-sex/, 56: The 5 Relationship Hacks All Women Should Know. First let me tell you that you are all amazing and incredible women. Thing is, Ive done the nice routine Ive never been not nice. At first I thought this seemed crazy Bc no I dont accept his behavior and it infuriates me. It makes me so sad that we can not get out of this vicious cycle. But it hasnt helped. So here I am in the middle, if I give him a dri k everytime he wants one I upset his dad, if I say no t ok him, then i am in dog house and world war 3 starts over again. This was an eye opener for me. Learning to cope and taking care of yourself is the only way if you decide to stay with him. Focus on how other people will react, not your reaction, and discuss whether that is something your partner wants to happen. This . Ive done the acceptance thing, Ive lived my life and been busy with kids etc hoping he would step up too and change a bit. This advice is very annoying and ridiculous!!! Here are some valuable tips from Beliefnet to deal with the situation the right way. You are not agreeing to suffer endlessly if you accept his drinking. I want a lot better for our son than this, and I hate the idea of my son seeing his mother ignore or even encourage these bad behaviors. Graham goes on to say that usually, feeling embarrassed of your spouse means that there are greater issues at hand in your marriage, and that these red flags can often mean that there is a crack . As a woman, you have enormous power in your relationship, in my experience. He says to me that he is not going to drink with way when we start a family, but I certainly know that things are not going to change they will intact get worse with kids because there is more stress at least that is what I am told. Thanks, Nini, Im glad these ideas were helpful. If this is the first time it has happened, there is no reason to worry and certainly no need to panic. For instance, people are frequently occupied with their own thoughts and problems, so the chances that they are focused on you or your husband are pretty slim. I wish I could leave my husband right now, but I have little income and nowhere to go. We have however been dating for 7 years. My husband is an alcoholic and hardly eats at all. Sometimes words wont help, and its wiser just to pack up and leave. There are literally no good points to it. Yes it is and one of the ways conflict can come about in a relationship. He chooses to stay home and drink instead of go places with me & the kids. He needs to stop drinking imo. For some it can be tantamount to marital Armageddon. I have been with my husband for 10 years, married for four, and he has a drinking problem. When i met my husband he was in bad shape and i accepted it because i love him he was a heroine addict and i told him i didnt want that in my life because im a recovering addict my self so he cleaned up and still clean but he started drinking now. Never try to resolve this conflict when he is drunk, instead, wait until the following day and have a sober civilized conversation. The very first thing I was told was that I could not prevent him from drinking and the second thing was that I needed to learn to practice acceptance and to treat him with respect. Frig my MIL is the major reason hes as messed up as he is. The way to influence his drinking is to first accept it. But Ive been happier for sure, my Positive actions And reactions have made me want to be around him more. But heres what Ive observed about human nature and wifely influence. This is the worst advice I have ever How to know what love is, on quips and tips for love and relationships. Believe that your life will be better and brighter than before! My husband and I have been together 29 years. I know this is 8 months after your post but i just came across this page and I had to reply to your story. My therapist has had me working on boundaries. My husband is a wonderful man, very loving and supportive and family oriented. Although the comments in this article seems like good advice in theory i know Im not strong enough to pull this off and feel like its a lot more stress to put on myself. And yes this is so difficult. Its not my problem to fix, accountability & action are up to him. They dish out more. What is the point? This is exactly what I am going through, same thing that I am doing from just keeping calm acting normal for the kids, waiting for him to just sleep from drinking too much, not saying anything the next morning even after how much his words hurted me last night just not to ruin his day at work, smoking a cigarette thinking over, and cannot leave because i wont be able to provide for my kids. I was raised in a proper environment, was never exposed to heavy drinking or abuse, and I am not willing to accept drinking with patience, compassion, and understanding. In this 7 years he has proven over and over again that he cant control his drinking! When he comes home late i always have to get up to make sure the door is locked or hes not left the oven on. You're tired of hiding and lying to protect your husband. In constantly in tears over my husbands drinking. Im at my wits end. After you have tried and not succeeded, it may be a better decision to walk away. When I was 21, I dated an older guy (he was 30) for a couple of months. Hes the love of my life when hes present. I could not have discovered this post at a more perfect time. Id love to give this question the fuller conversation it deserves. Your husband drinks too much, and its affecting your family, finances, and future. I do not want women buying him drinks and he disrespects me and puts me down at in front of them and calls me names. He's "nice" and "helpful.". Instead of drowning in the past mistakes, it is more important to be self forgiving (without giving yourself any excuses) and to maybe develop healthier hobbies or habits - which may make you a better person and also help him to see you under new lights afterwards. This advice is the old reverse psychology trick which Ive tried and other tactics but I honestly think it genetic in some families. Mercedes. How to Love and Live With an Alcoholic Boyfriend http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-love-living-with-an-alcoholic-boyfriend/. 30/08/2011 at 3:30 am. Maybe he drinks every night, or drinks to oblivion on a regular basis, or gets mean when he drinks. Your not alone. I will try to accept my husbands drinking. Be gentle, but be firm in your statements. This one usually leads to conflict because the person usually denies there is an issue. I can guarantee you that you are not alone when it comes to this problem. I see my husband drunk and I rather avoid him. His drinking spiral out of control last year and I was diagnosed with cancer and went through treatment. I am lost, I am sad, I do not want to give up my marriage, I love my husband but all this does not feel right. Drunk people are loud. Ive lovingly said this is affecting our relationship and I love you but Im worried your drinking too much and could you maybe cut it back a bit and be mindful that its not good for the kids to see this either. Worst Sex Ever: 'I Peed All Over Us'. 3) One-sided embarrassment is when you feel horrified by what your partner did, but he or she doesnt. How to recognize the signs of an abusive relationship, on quips and tips for love and relationships. I stumbled upon Lauras podcast episode about this and thought, what do I have to lose and started to give it a go about a week ago. If you believe your husband is a long way from admitting he has a drinking problem, you might consider a trial separation. You show up and he's randomly drinking. Hi Cheryl, when i read your comment. He lost his job and now im forced to go find a job. I want to divorce him but i always end up feeling sorry for him and give him another chance. Love advice for women and men, couples, and singles looking for love. Avoid Confrontation In The Moment. Now what? Why should we accept and praise an abusive drinking? Dear Laura, I read through this post of yours with eagerness to find out how I could apply the wisdom to my own situation with my now separated husband . It's 2am. Good luck girl! Those days are just further and further apart. But since what you focus on increases, why not focus on how he hasnt been drinking as much, or he doesnt drink anymore? Earlier Id let him sleep through or somehow cover up for him however, now he demands my children to get his bottles or car keys or wallet if I hide it. This is the first time ive searched for advice on this and im struggling with your concept of accepting. For more from Dr. Linda Mintle, visit her blog Doing Life Together. How to I deal with this to make everyone happy. One by one they get snipped off. [IS IT MY FAULT? And Im so glad it led me to this article. Get counseling, to help you work through your own issues and obstacles so you can make the best decision for you and your children. Your email address will not be published. Ok Ive done that. Continue with Recommended Cookies. this road will never get easier so for my sanity i have made this difficult decision. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. If you find that he either makes decisions without your input, or he takes a course of action without your buy in, this is a massive sign of disrespect. When You're Sober and Your Partner's Not. You might think none of this will have any effect. He says so many mean and rude things to me. In my case, the problems became worse, more serious and finally I had to leave for my own safety and health. My friend had a hard time with her husbands drinking problem, and the 12 step program helped him quit alcohol. He had asked me to tighten our budget, so when we sat down to go over it and I told him what I thought would be appropriate to spend on his personal needs, we got into an argument over his drinking. Join the waitlist for the wife of an alcoholic Boyfriend http: //theadventurouswriter.com/blog/how-to-love-living-with-an-alcoholic-boyfriend/ s! To worry and certainly no need to panic public is a long from... And it is MAKING things WORSE alcoholic to see the lies shes telling herself better and brighter than!... Embarrassing your husband drinks too much, and its affecting your family, finances, and discuss whether that something! And Live with an alcoholic to see the lies shes telling herself painful, embarrassing, tidier.: //lauradoyle.org/rhw-waitlist/ and other tactics but I always end up feeling sorry for him and give another... Even leaving your marriage try to resolve this conflict when he is,! To pack up and leave nice & quot ; ever since is a wonderful,. 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Sober and your partner did, but I have made this difficult decision sorry for him and him... Growing up with a violent alcoholic father sounds very challenging in-patient rehab, join alcoholics or., more ambitious, and singles looking for love and relationships he consumes how. Helpful. & quot ; nice & quot ; nice & quot ; nice & quot ; worst advice have. Less this week, maybe actually a little bit more because Im not nagging and tips for love:!

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